Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up”: The Jewish Edition

I recently learned that Paula Abdul was a practicing Jew. What if the lyrics to her hit song were re-written to reflect her Jewish heritage

Lost on Shabbat
Don’t know which shul to go
Your tallit ain’t that clean and you’re dressed like my Dod Schlomo*

I was Shomer Shabat before,
Ain’t trying to stay through the birkhat
But could we got on with the netilat, please

Straight up now tell me are you gonna really start keeping kosher
(oy oy vey)
Or are you really truly frum?
Straight up now tell me are you gonna really show up for minchah?
(baruch tiyeh)
Or am I gonna just follow the Hazzan?

We’re standing still, minyan’s waiting for you
We’re getting shvitzed without the parshah we’re feeling blue

We’ve been ten strong before
Want to be able to kaddish a little bit more
Are you gonna join us with a siddur, please?

Straight up now, tell me are you really gonna show up and Daven?
(oy oy vey)
Or are you gonna leave us with this hazzan?
Straight up, now, tell me are you gonna really read this haftorah?
(baruch tiyeh)
Or are you really, truly frum?